One experiment that is very effective (and can be done by one person alone) is to tape record a conversation. I like the idea of just taping your end of a telephone conversation. When you can't hear what the other person said to initiate your comments, and you just listen to the things you are saying, it is a true eye-opener. And it isn't usually a pleasant experience. How much of your conversation centers on criticism or gossip? How many times do you say negative things about yourself or someone else? Do you ever say encouraging things about yourself? "I'll never be able to do this" needs to be replaced with "I can do anything I really want to."

The next step is to listen to your internal speech (the thoughts inside your head) when you do things that challenge or irritate you. What do you say to yourself when you make a mistake or get your feelings hurt? What do you say to yourself when a friend betrays you? Do you say things that make you feel better or make you feel worse, like a failure? These situations tend to create a huge volume of negative thinking. My negative self-talk still sneaks in when I have a major decision to make. It never ceases to amaze me how cruel we can be to ourselves when we are feeling insecure, self-conscious, or angry. When we keep these negative thoughts in our heads, we become our own worse enemy.

The longer we have been using negative self-talk the more deeply ingrained it becomes. This means it takes longer to change the patterns. Researchers have found that it takes approximately 21 consecutive days to form a habit.

Now the real work begins. There are several ways to change the negative phrases or words that we have noticed make up a large portion of our daily communication. After we have begun to eliminate these phrases, we need to replace them with something positive. The best method I have found is to begin saying or writing daily affirmations. To affirm something is to declare it to be true. Affirmations are positive statements repeated over and over to ourselves until our subconscious mind begins to believe them. These encouraging self-messages will eventually become part of your belief system if they are repeated often enough. They will replace many of the negative beliefs. You will know when this begins to happen because you will feel uncomfortable when you slip back into your old way of thinking or speaking.

To begin using affirmations, make a list of negative things you say to yourself on a regular basis. Now choose one that you feel should be changed first. If you often think thoughts like "Nobody really loves me" choose that one first. A lack of self-love is the root of many of society's problems. Now change that statement into a positive one, such as "I am loved," or "I am lovable."

As you learn to write affirmations there is a major pitfall which you need to be aware of. The subconscious mind does not understand the words no or not. It tends to skip these words and go to the key words within the phrase. For example, if you want to remember something, an appropriate affirmation would be "I am remembering to finish my homework," not "I won't forget to do my homework."

As you begin to affirm something you may notice that negative feelings arise. This is normal. Just stick with it. Occassionally issues may come up in order to be healed. Please read the section on emotional healing if this begins to happen. Click here for more information about emotional healing.

When I introduced the concept of self-talk to my children, I explained that I had noticed some negative speech patterns within myself. I asked for their help in noticing when I backslid into my old patterns. Then I suggested we all try it. It can be a wonderful learning exercise for the entire family. I also do not allow negative statements to be made in my home, even by visitors. Statements such as "I'm stupid", "You're stupid" or, "That was a stupid thing to do" can do a great deal of damage if repeated frequently.

Some sample affirmations for anyone to follow are listed below: