If you have children, sibling rivalry is a fact of life. Brothers and/or sisters seem to relish conflict. The closer in age the siblings are, the more they may fight and engage in minor skirmishes.(This is not always accurate.) These skirmishes may escalate when the children are bored and the conflicts seem to be enjoyed. According to Lee Canter (1993), the majority of sibling conflicts arise due to the three reasons mentioned above.
Many experts agree that some conflict between siblings is normal and may even be beneficial. They learn to assert themselves, negotiate and compromise, and to defend themselves. This is also how many children learn to share and deal with feelings of envy and jealousy. In order words, sibling rivalry helps children learn how to deal with the real world.
Louise Bates Ames (1982), feels there are several other reasons why siblings fight;
Many sibling conflicts seem to have jealousy as the underlying emotion. The child may not even be conscious of this feeling. He may simply feel that things aren’t “fair.” Jealousy is a common theme in childhood. It is impossible to grow up without it. (Some experts feel that if siblings seem to experience no conflicts or jealousy there may be a problem with expressing true feelings within the home.) Jealousy has become a major problem when children begin showing signs of it with increasing intensity.
Younger children may regress to bed-wetting, thumb sucking, or clinging behavior. Older children may begin misbehaving or demanding more material objects or attention.
Canter (1993) states that children are keenly tuned in to whether or not a parent is treating each child equally. He says that many children seem to have an internal calculator that keeps up with the number of compliments, money, time, privileges, and gifts that are given to each child. The amount of food put on individual plates at mealtimes may even be suspect.
Often an angry child will pick on her siblings to get attention (jealousy) or to release frustration about something totally unrelated. It is beneficial to talk to older children to try to find the root cause of an ongoing problem. If you stay calm and are willing to listen many children are willing to talk.
Children are able to sense the amount of love that seems to be available within the family unit. If the children feel that there is too little of the parents’ love, time, and attention for everyone, they become more competitive to make sure they get their fair share. The way that children behave may also reflect the overall stress level of their family. Anything that drains your time and energy decreases the amount available for your children and will increase sibling rivalry.
If jealousy seems to be a major problem with your children there are several things you can do to prevent this feeling from getting out of hand. Watch what you say on the phone or in private conversations. Children often hear comments made about them on the phone to grandparents or friends. Don’t compare their school performance or behavior to other children, especially siblings. Younger children do not really understand the concept of love. Explain that just because you have several children to love, it doesn’t mean that they receive less love. Love grows and expands and there is always more when it is needed. It
helps children to cope when they think you understand how they feel. Also if one child receives a special privilege, perhaps something can also be arranged for the other children.
Each parent should spend some time alone each week with each child. This may seem almost impossible at first but it may significantly reduce the amount of fighting you have to deal with each week, and in the end it may even save you time. Playing, taking an ice cream or milkshake break, going fishing, going for a walk, or even out to eat can be very effective. Shopping can also be a major form of bonding, especially with older girls! The activities don’t have to be elaborate or expensive. It is your time and attention that are really needed. Siblings are far less jealous of each other when they know for sure that they have their own quality time coming soon. (And please try to not cancel these special outings for any reason, short of death or serious illness.) Some family therapists also recommend weekly or even monthly family meetings. Spending time together as a family sends a powerful message that the family unit is important, as is each member of the family.
Even though many times your children fight because they need your attention, try to not give them a lot of attention for misbehaviors. It may be best to ignore minor conflicts. For some children negative attention is better than no attention, and negative attention may be all that they receive. The key is to give your children attention when they are being good and getting along with each other.
Canter believes this is the secret ingredient to increased family harmony. Simple things like a pat on the back or a few words of praise can work wonders. But parents tend to ignore good behavior when they are busy. Noise and conflict will always get their attention. Giving positive attention for good behavior is a habit worth forming. This method alone can greatly reduce the conflict within your home.
Canter also has developed three basic guidelines that can help to prevent or lessen these conflicts.
1. Look for patterns of misbehaviors. (Do your children always fight while you are preparing dinner?)
2. Anticipate problems and plan to avoid them. (Plan some activity your children enjoy that they can do while you are cooking. Prevention is always best.)
3. Give specific directions for different situations. (Make sure your children understand how you expect them to behave.)
There are times when it is best to ignore minor bickering. If one of your children complains to you, try not to get in the middle. Instead tell your child that you understand their feelings but you are certain they can work the problem out themselves. When more serious fighting begins to occur, you may need to take further action. The children may need to be separated. If the situation requires discipline, do so.
Parents Should Step In When...
Even though it may be instinctual to not want our children to disagree or fight, remember that it is natural and healthy for some conflict to occur. If a parent always steps in at the first sign of a problem, children will never learn how to handle minor conflicts constructively. Let them learn how to compromise and solve some problems on their own.
But what do you do when one child has turned into a bully at home? It is difficult to realize or accept that one of our precious children is actually capable of inflicting intentional harm on another. But it does happen. Sometimes one child may report harassment but the other child denies it. Either way, you have at least one child who is lying. You have a problem that must be dealt with.
Children at home need to be supervised as closely at home as they should be at school. Sometimes children treat their own family members worse than they would a total stranger. Sibling bullying has become a major problem. The most frequently reported family violence occurs between siblings. Eight out of ten children may get into a physical fight with a sibling each year. The family seems to be the place where most children learn to be violent.
If one child says that the other is physically, emotionally, or sexually abusing them, please take it seriously. You may need to relax and calm down so you can think clearly before you react. Look back to other events that have occurred. Has a pattern of behavior been slowly developing and you just haven’t put the pieces together yet? Does one child have a tendency to lie when in trouble? The easiest thing to do in a situation like this is to send both children to their rooms and ignore the problem. This is also the worst thing you can do. Your children are your responsibility. It is up to you to protect them, even if it is from each other. You cannot make children love each other. But you can insist that they treat each other with decency and respect. No one deserves any less.
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