This is a difficult problem to handle. As a parent you aren’t with them all day long. (And they do need to learn to fight their own battles anyway.) It is also difficult for teachers to handle because bullies are usually very sneaky. It seems to go with the territory. Some bullies are known for their preplanned strikes. The bully will create a story and rehearse it with his “friends.” Then they create a shield, sometimes a circle, between the teacher and the victim. When the teacher gets suspicious and checks into the activity, the bully and his “friends” all have matching stories. The victim stands alone. Even though teachers usually catch onto this behavior, it is difficult to prove what actually happened. When you learn to monitor this pattern of behavior more closely, they simply change their tactics. Even when a bully is caught, the victim may say it was only a game or a joke to prevent further retaliation. Other students who witnessed the event may even be scared to talk.
If you think your child is a victim but she refuses to tell you, there are signs you can look for. Does he come home with torn clothes? Does she often have missing articles (calculators, watches, etc.)? Does he keep “losing” his money? Has she recently started hating school or having trouble sleeping? If you decide your child is being bullied, try to find out all the details before you decide how to handle it. (Even though your first response may be to confront the bully’s parents, it usually isn’t a good first move, especially while you are still upset. The bully learned his aggressive behavior somewhere, didn’t he?)
Even if your child begs you not to, you should inform school personnel. They cannot help if they do not know. The teacher may have noticed some problems of which you are unaware. (Sometimes the child may think they are being bullied but the other children were really just teasing.) The teacher can also devise a plan so your child can get word to her when a problem is occurring, or about to occur, without the bully knowing. This alone can make them feel more secure. (I have had to cancel, or at least delay, recess many times because I was informed that a preplanned strike was going to occur.)
Tips for the Victim:
If your child wants to face the bully head on (which can be very effective unless the potential for violence is too great) there is a technique that you can use to help. According to the Safe Child Program, role-playing could be very effective. Discuss different approaches (from the list above, for example) and help your child pick one that best suits their situation. Then practice role-playing. You can be the bully or an older sibling can act the part. Then let your child practice over and over until she feels comfortable with the technique and can handle the problem on her own.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, does your child have a tendency to pick on other children? Is he constantly getting into fights at school? Could your child possibly be a bully?
Click here to visit www.healingingwithwisdom.com