Why do friends betray each other? It takes time and an investment of love and energy to build a friendship. We open our hearts to another person. This is why it hurts so much when a friend betrays us. But betrayal is actually a part of all friendships for several reasons.

One reason is that for adolescents and teens, one purpose of friendship is to learn how to have relationships. Your first friendships are like a school. You learn what works and what doesn’t work. Betrayal doesn’t work. But the lesson comes with how you handle that betrayal. Do you decide to get even? If that is your first response, you have much to learn! Getting even reduces you to your friend’s (or ex-friend’s) level. You must learn to rise above the betrayal. You can even make the friendship stronger if you can forgive the mistake.

How do you forgive a betrayal? First, never react in anger. When you do, you will always say things that you will later regret. Tell your friend that you need some time alone to work through your anger. And then do it. Think about the good times you have had with your friend. Is the friendship worth keeping? If you made a mistake how would you want your friend to treat you? To be able to get past a mistake and forgive shows a level of maturity that makes you a good friend to have.

If after calmly thinking things over, you decide that revenge is the only thing you want to do, think about this. Other people are watching how you handle this problem. If you seek revenge, how many of them will want to be your friend? Not many, if they are smart. Because how you treat others is how you will treat them. You may not be able to see this through your anger, but they see it clearly.

The second reason that friends betray each other is a lack of self-esteem. They don’t like themselves and they do things to other people because they don’t feel worthy of the friendship. Look at the overall picture of your friend. Do they need a lot of attention? Do they say negative things about themselves and others? Are they down on the world? If so, tell them about the 10 Easy Steps to Self-Esteem.


The third reason that friends betray each other is that they may not have a good role model. If their parents treat each other this way, or their friends, this is what they think friendship is like. Perhaps you can show them the way friends should interact. You can be their role model. Talk to your parents. Maybe this friend can over more and see how your parents interact with each other.

The fourth reason is that maybe you betrayed them first. Whenever I say this, my students always assure me that they would never betray a friend. And yet, we all do. At some time or another, everyone betrays a friend. It may be minor but it will happen. Remember that betrayal is a part of friendship. You will also do it. So how do you want your friend to react when you are the betrayer?

If you are still certain that you have never betrayed anyone, think of the following examples.
Have you ever lied to your friend?
Have you ever broken a promise, even for a good reason?
Have you ever gossiped?
Have you ever been too busy to talk when your friend needed you?
Do you insist on having your own way?
Have you said things in anger that you later regretted?
Have you ever talked to another friend while leaving this friend alone?

There are many types of betrayal. Most of us have done one or even more of these things. We think it’s alright because our friend will understand. Maybe they will. But will you understand when the same thing is done to you?

How do you know if you should try to save the friendship after a betrayal? As I’ve already mentioned, think about the good times you’ve had with your friend. Are they basically good to you? If they are constantly doing things do hurt you, why are you even considering saving the friendship. Everyone makes mistakes. If they keep doing the same things over and over, then it is time to move on. You deserve a good friend who cares about you.